Soap is not a condiment
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
