is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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