I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
