just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
