Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
