I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
