FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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