her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
