I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
