I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
