if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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