I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
