I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
