Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
