My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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