ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
