You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
