Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's shark week go big or go home
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
