i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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