I wish my penis had an off switch
Your tits are I can't wait for
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
