I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
