He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
