Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
