Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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