i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
