Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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