Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
