Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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