Tell her she can't have a vagina
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
