Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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