I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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