I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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