I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
