You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
