I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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