Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
