So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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