I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Randomize
