so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
