I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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