Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Your face is a jimmy john
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
