So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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