dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
