Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
