You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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