you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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