how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
