Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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