Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
