Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
